I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
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Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”