Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
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Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
pat pat
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
same energy
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed