SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
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[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me