Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
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My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.