ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
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HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
this has to be peak English
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I found your tweet-up…
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*