I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
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You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.