me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
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Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
my retirement plan is braless
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Twitter remains undefeated
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.