I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
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Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Stop sending me this shit.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Natural selection at its finest
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.