cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
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[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
My first son he is wonderful
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*