I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
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When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”