what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
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3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.