Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
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Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.