Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
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Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
man i love columbo
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”