I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
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My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.