I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
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Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
#parenting
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Can’t. Being lazy.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them