*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
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honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Not today.. 😂
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March