Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
You Might Also Like
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan