STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
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Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.