*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
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I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
The cashier just checked me out.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?