a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
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Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman