Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
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Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Attacked by a mop.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship