Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
You Might Also Like
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine