Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
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My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
The Struggle
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
This why you should mind your business
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?