DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
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I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
happy friday
A flock of dads is called a grill.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2