I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
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cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
the greatest twitter interaction
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
A drum solo but on your face.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Become a minion. Get that bread.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.