I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
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Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.