Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
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Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine