*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
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Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers