Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
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Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Pat is about to own someone
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours