If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
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Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Mornin
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON