when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
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At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then