Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
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No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
“just sayin” who asked you though?
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.