[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
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If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.