On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
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Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015