*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
You Might Also Like
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
This meal prepping shit is easy
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.