From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
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Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.