I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
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“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Okay
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Who knew!
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*