[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
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I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.