My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
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7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
PLOT TWIST:
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
can’t talk my ride’s here
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
calling in to work dehydrated
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.