my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
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When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.