Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
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CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
when someone rings the doorbell