When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
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The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month