*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
You Might Also Like
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.