Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
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Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.