Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
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My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Beware…..
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
This is a sub tweet
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!