“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
You Might Also Like
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
This is what makes twitter great
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time