one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
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Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Unimpressed
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself