For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
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America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Breaking news:
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.