Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
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Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree