The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
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At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.